The Definition of ‘Me time’ keeps changing with the role you are currently playing in life. The role you are currently in, you realize how efficiently did you waste or utilize your ‘me time/ free time’ in your last role.

Say when I was a school student, I was oblivious to the concept of it; considering all of my time was me time. As a college student I got into certain positions that came with a few easy sets of responsibilities so all my time kind of was again me time. I graduated and then got an internship which came with an increased set of responsibilities but it still did not really take away a lot of me from me but what it did though was get me really excited for the weekends when I enjoyed the art of doing ‘nothing’ (Aah, The Joy!!!) or rather dedicating a day when I could freely do something or go somewhere that I loved to do. Which kind of got me closer to discovering things that ‘I’ loved.

Then I got married which puts you in some intense roles and then…. *(drum roll)* I became a ‘Mother’ (Two minutes of silence for all that me time I’ve ever wasted / disrespected in my life). I have realized the value of ‘me time’ more than ever. Since the day I got pregnant and I started to google some general pregnancy questions asking ‘is this normal?’ ‘is it safe to eat this?’ ‘is it safe to walk’ ‘is it safe to talk’ etc. my Instagram caught on it and my feed was full of posts stating the importance of me time and selfcare postpartum. Now you know reading about it is one thing and experiencing it is just another.

A few months after delivering my baby and getting used to the fact that I am now wholly responsible for the wellbeing of a human being. I started doing little things for myself. Coffee dates, attending workshops close by, reading, coloring, etc. within those long naps he used to take. It was okay until then. He was little, used to sleep most of the time, hadn’t learn to roll yet so I did not have the fear of saving him from falling ALL the time. But, did I savor this back then? NO. I couldn’t, I was still learning, getting the hang of things. It felt like I was trying to catch up on my old life and still be present in the new. I would think of coming back from the moment I left home. I wanted to be around him whenever he needed me. Every single moment. Now that he is almost two, on his feet, from three naps to one, needs more protection and attention than ever, I value that time more. I feel like I could have taken it easy. I could have accepted that it’s never going to be the same and I can enjoy this time before he will be on his feet. But I guess this stage only comes with time and experience. This is just how it works I think, this is how it’s supposed to be with your first child at least.

All my fellow mothers will agree that the best time to enjoy your ‘me time’ is in the night after your baby goes to sleep and you are done with everything and know that you are not going to be needed by anyone anymore. You are not intentionally leaving your child with someone in his wake time, not avoiding any of his chore therefore nothing is going to lead to guilt. I desperately finish all of my chores quickly before his bed time and lie down like a corpse on the bed beside him for a straight two hours treating it like my ‘sacred time’.

It’s addictive and dangerously spoils your schedule. Recently I’ve been leisurely extending my me time from an hour to a good two to three hours. All that while I keep debating about how sleeping on time is selfcare, but I also need to relax with the freedom this time gives me, then I also tell my self about making this free time productive by reading something or writing or meditating. But what I do instead is use my phone guilt free, mindlessly keep scrolling it for hours without the fear of my son noticing it and getting attracted to it. I finally give up when it’s way past my ideal bed time and wakeup regretting the next morning why I did it and how I absolutely suck at self-control. With all those self-care posts today on Instagram, I keep telling myself how it’s okay to go out, take a breather and do something for myself to maintain a balance but this constant push and pull feeling has made me question this process thinking if it really is saving me from a burn out or is it actually mentally burning me out. Is this worth the battle every single night? Is the internet making us do things we don’t necessarily enjoy? But we do them because it says we should? Because it could be the key to our mental wellbeing. With so much information out there influencing us day and night are we loosing our real selves? Are we losing our ability to differentiate between what should make us happy and what really does make us happy? While I still continue to battle with this every single night.

I am trying to make peace with the fact that it’s okay if sometimes being around my son gives me more peace than escaping. It’s okay if sleeping early and not giving my self the so called me time gives me more peace and makes me well rested. It’s okay if I dedicate a good few years to him and then have my whole life back later. But I am also making peace with the fact that I do need an escape sometimes. I do need a time out where I can just dress up and move out freely without carrying a zillion things with me.

I think we are off to a good start. I am feeling so much at peace by simply putting it out here. Feels like it’s going to be easier for me from hereon and hope it helps you too in whatever role you are playing right now.

Have you ever been asked to describe yourself in a few words and in those few seconds of being posed the question you just question your entire existence thinking “Who the hell am I really?”

I was born in May 1992. I got married in February 2018. I delivered my Son Mirvan in October 2022 and from 1992 to 2022 I don’t think I ever bothered to find out who I really was as a person; but this crazy journey of Motherhood forced me to look deep within and address these questions.

To analyze them better I divide my life’s journey in two phases ‘Before Mirvan’ and ‘After Mirvan’.  Before Mirvan I thought I was an absolute perfectionist and my life was pretty much predictable and almost entirely in my control. I always planned things to the T, planned my entire week, especially my weekends (assuming you know my love for Sunday’s), my workout was scheduled for months. More often than not I could execute all my plans flawlessly and was really proud of it. If I took up any task or simply just decided to bake anything I knew it had to come out perfectly and it would.  Cut to my life after Mirvan. No planning worked, I had foggy brain almost all the time which affected my concentration skills leading to too many bake fails and too many blows to my confidence; no two days were the same, I could not predict anything; forget scheduling a workout, I could not predict what that night would look like because obviously everything depended on Mirvan’s nap routine, how it ended and when it ended.  The way this unpredictability affected me, I had to question a lot of my presumptions about my self. 

After Mirvan, it was my first dinner night out with my closest friends and one of them asked me “So have you learnt to go with the flow yet?” I paused for a while trying to come up with an answer and replied “Not really”. It was just 2-3 months after Mirvan and let’s just say I hadn’t learnt my lessons yet. I was naïve enough to think that a tight schedule would give me control and I will not have to learn to go with the ‘flow’ because you see unpredictability just disturbed my inner being. It made me think something was wrong and gave me a sinking feeling in my stomach.

It was hard. Just the thought of an unpredictable life for the next few years gave me the nerves.  I mourned the loss of my perfect identity to myself for a really long time. It kind of shattered my entire existence; silently. I kept asking myself, is this how the rest of my life going to be? Is it all over?. I had lost so much control over my life.  As a defense mechanism I became obsessed with Mirvan’s sleep routine because it gave me some kind of predictability and made me feel like I am back in control.  Numerous quotes on ‘Motherhood’ saying “you’ll meet the new you, etc” on Instagram did not make sense to me until I really accepted to myself that it really is the new me after Mirvan, I am not a perfectionist anymore and nothing is ever going the be the same.

Maybe I never was, life had just given me the ease of predicting and planning things my way back then. I might still consider myself as one in my subconscious mind but I’d like to think that I’ve come a long way in these two years as a mother to not evaluate myself simply on the basis of my planned productivity. I am learning every day to enjoy the beauty of unpredictability because not only was being a perfectionist burdening, it also restricted me from letting me enjoy life as it comes. I was bound with my own set of boundaries that I created for myself that often felt like a cage. It is still a work in progress though. I am learning to accept that life will always be a work in progress with new set of roles to play with its own experiences, changes and responsibilities.

It sure is going to be a journey worthwhile and I plan to explore it here with all of you and while I still continue to think of the best way to describe myself , it would be interesting to know “How do you describe yourself in a few words to others and to yourself ???”