Have you ever been asked to describe yourself in a few words and in those few seconds of being posed the question you just question your entire existence thinking “Who the hell am I really?”

I was born in May 1992. I got married in February 2018. I delivered my Son Mirvan in October 2022 and from 1992 to 2022 I don’t think I ever bothered to find out who I really was as a person; but this crazy journey of Motherhood forced me to look deep within and address these questions.

To analyze them better I divide my life’s journey in two phases ‘Before Mirvan’ and ‘After Mirvan’.  Before Mirvan I thought I was an absolute perfectionist and my life was pretty much predictable and almost entirely in my control. I always planned things to the T, planned my entire week, especially my weekends (assuming you know my love for Sunday’s), my workout was scheduled for months. More often than not I could execute all my plans flawlessly and was really proud of it. If I took up any task or simply just decided to bake anything I knew it had to come out perfectly and it would.  Cut to my life after Mirvan. No planning worked, I had foggy brain almost all the time which affected my concentration skills leading to too many bake fails and too many blows to my confidence; no two days were the same, I could not predict anything; forget scheduling a workout, I could not predict what that night would look like because obviously everything depended on Mirvan’s nap routine, how it ended and when it ended.  The way this unpredictability affected me, I had to question a lot of my presumptions about my self. 

After Mirvan, it was my first dinner night out with my closest friends and one of them asked me “So have you learnt to go with the flow yet?” I paused for a while trying to come up with an answer and replied “Not really”. It was just 2-3 months after Mirvan and let’s just say I hadn’t learnt my lessons yet. I was naïve enough to think that a tight schedule would give me control and I will not have to learn to go with the ‘flow’ because you see unpredictability just disturbed my inner being. It made me think something was wrong and gave me a sinking feeling in my stomach.

It was hard. Just the thought of an unpredictable life for the next few years gave me the nerves.  I mourned the loss of my perfect identity to myself for a really long time. It kind of shattered my entire existence; silently. I kept asking myself, is this how the rest of my life going to be? Is it all over?. I had lost so much control over my life.  As a defense mechanism I became obsessed with Mirvan’s sleep routine because it gave me some kind of predictability and made me feel like I am back in control.  Numerous quotes on ‘Motherhood’ saying “you’ll meet the new you, etc” on Instagram did not make sense to me until I really accepted to myself that it really is the new me after Mirvan, I am not a perfectionist anymore and nothing is ever going the be the same.

Maybe I never was, life had just given me the ease of predicting and planning things my way back then. I might still consider myself as one in my subconscious mind but I’d like to think that I’ve come a long way in these two years as a mother to not evaluate myself simply on the basis of my planned productivity. I am learning every day to enjoy the beauty of unpredictability because not only was being a perfectionist burdening, it also restricted me from letting me enjoy life as it comes. I was bound with my own set of boundaries that I created for myself that often felt like a cage. It is still a work in progress though. I am learning to accept that life will always be a work in progress with new set of roles to play with its own experiences, changes and responsibilities.

It sure is going to be a journey worthwhile and I plan to explore it here with all of you and while I still continue to think of the best way to describe myself , it would be interesting to know “How do you describe yourself in a few words to others and to yourself ???”